It’s nearly 10am on a lovely sunny Sunday morning. It’s taking a while for me to get my head around the fact that it doesn’t matter to me whether it’s a week or weekend day again, because I have no classes to go to from now on. It’s weird, it feels unnatural – it shouldn’t really since I’ve spent almost two years not working or going to university, and I’ve only been back in classes for four months. For now I will just enjoy sitting at my desk next to my huge window having the sun shine on me. I only have another week to do so.
So, the whole point of this blog is to discover who I am underneath all of the eating disorder rubbish, and so far all I’ve done is talk about it. I suppose that’s only natural, since at the moment I’m not well. No point trying to stay in denial, I might be feeling calm and warm and enjoying the sunshine right now, but I need to go home and get into treatment quite urgently. But just because I’m not so hot physically at the moment doesn’t mean I can’t make a start on trying to sort my head out. So I’m going to try and tell you about some other stuff that means a lot to me.
I suppose I could start with why I’m studying physics. I love astronomy. I have been interested in it since I was a kid – we studied our solar system briefly in year 4 at school and I was hooked. Later that year we had our key stage (2?) assessments, and for one of them we had to each choose a topic to make a five minute talk about. I approached this in the way I still approach every decision I make – I made a list of what I was interested in, wrote down pros and cons of each, and still got stuck trying to choose between ‘dogs’ and ‘space’ (I think ballet came a close third). In the end I went for ‘dogs in space’ and talked about the dog Laika who the Russians sent into orbit! Anyway, fast forward thirteen years and I have just spent 2007 in and out of hospital (for depression) and am about to go into ED day treatment for the first time. I have been sitting on my butt at home for almost a year, and I am bored, so I order a book on astronomy…and a couple of months later I have bought binoculars, gotten a telescope for Christmas, and signed up for an Open University course in general science to act as a basis for going on to study astrophysics. Total addiction.
I love everything about astronomy. It makes you feel so insignificant but so special at the same time. You can’t look at the Andromeda galaxy through an 8 inch telescope and feel like your problems actually mean anything, in the grand scheme of things – but then, you can’t help but marvel at the stunning series of coincedences which make life on this planet possible either. I love the science too. I never really enjoyed physics at school, I was in the top set but so were a lot of disinterested and noisy teenage boys, and so if I didn’t understand something I mostly gave up rather than trying to ask for help. But now I have discovered that I actually have a real aptitude for physics and maths. I got 90% in my first term exams here at university. When I told my lecturers that I had to leave they seemed genuinely upset, rather than just sort of politely sorry for me. So did the other people in my class. It really surprised me. I had just been sitting there quietly, I didn’t think I stood out for any particular reason, but…apparently people think more of me than I do myself.
This is getting pretty long! I have to do some laundry, I should stop procrastinating and get on with it. I will be back 🙂