Hmm. My photos keep coming out sideways, even when they are the right way round on my computer! How strange. Oh well. I was having a hard time choosing what to eat for lunch, but I had my Jerusalem artichokes to use up, so I decided to roast some. I wanted to do something simple with them the first time, so I could see what they taste like. I also roasted some sweet potatoes, and added some courgette and cherry tomatoes for the last ten minutes. It was an interesting experiment – I used 1 tbsp olive oil which was plenty to coat them all, and at least a third of it got left behind (committed to weight gain or not, I am not drinking straight olive oil if I run out of veg!), which showed me that roasting things isn’t that scary after all – the oil that the veg soaked out could only have amounted to 80 kcals at the most. I had some falafel with them too, because I was feeling clueless about what I wanted for protein. I had tofu last night and I don’t want to overdo it, since I’ve only started eating it recently, and roasted veg with omelette or scrambled egg sounded a bit too random even for me!
Protein is usually the easiest part of my meal to decide on. I can only eat eggs, nuts, seeds and beans since I am veggie and allergic to dairy. The restrictions placed on my diet by my allergies are depressing and frustrating sometimes, but in a strange way I appreciate them. I have such a hard time choosing what to eat with the combination of OCD and anorexia that anything that takes some of the choice away from me is welcome at this point. I feel the same way in restaurants – looking at menus freaks the hell out of me, not because of the calories as much as the huge amount of choice. Does anyone else out there have a problem with choice? When I was younger, before I had to stop eating milk and before my emetophobia stopped my bingeing, I used to be really triggered by things like boxes of chocolates and buffets. The thing that set my bingeing off wasn’t craving one food like chocolate or bread or whatever, it was feeling compelled to try little bits of everything, so I would know what it all tasted like, it was the only way I could stop thinking about it. It sounds weird when I put it like that (but then what about eating disorders isn’t weird?!). I still feel incredibly anxious when I get assortments of things now, even though I can’t bring myself to overeat anymore I always feel torn between this obsessive need to *know* what things taste like and the fear of eating them because of the calories/making myself feel sick. I think it’s an obsessive thing, I need to know whether I like things or not, which ones would be my favourite, so I can categorise them. I have to categorise everything, even if it’s only mentally.
Actually – editing this half an hour later – thinking about it, I have replaced having to try everything with making lists of different foods. I quite often find myself being kept awake at night because I know I have things that I need to use up or new foods that I haven’t ever had before in the house, and I can’t sleep until I have made a list of them all, so I can’t forget about them! When I was younger I wouldn’t have done that, I just would have binged on the whole lot. OCD is a bitch, people. Sometimes it surprises me how much of my eating disorder is actually driven by OCD rather than fear of calories and weight gain. Even my sick ‘goal weights’ in the past – they were never based on the idea that I was fat and would be acceptable at that weight, I was under no illusions that I was underweight already and would be in the shit if I got down that far – but it was like I *had* to get to that weight, because the number was special and safe. Oh dear. This is making me sound rather crazy. Here’s a sideways picture of lunch to change the subject 😛
I’m not feeling very well today. I can’t put my finger on what’s wrong other than that I know I have a temperature. I don’t feel sick, no headache, no sore throat, no sniffs or coughs – I just have a temperature. It’s annoying and a bit scary, because my immune system is screwed up at the moment and even little infections could make me quite ill. I had a huge blood blister under my tongue a few days ago, and that got a bit infected but it’s feeling much less painful today so maybe it’s not that after all. Hopefully it’s just a cold. I woke up feeling really irritable and anxious so I was sort of relieved when I started going all hot and cold – I like having a physical explanation for weird mood swings, even if under these circumstances it would be entirely understandable if I WAS having a hard time emotionally.
I phoned the first private therapist on my list earlier, she wasn’t there so I left a message on her answer machine and hopefully she’ll call me back soon. I am feeling good about this one! Stef asked what went wrong with my last therapist – well, I had to stop seeing her when I moved 300 miles away to university and I was discharged from the ED services back home. Since I’d seen her on and off for eighteen months, this time the EDU has just obviously decided that I have used up my therapist allowance from them and my care coordinater is one of the regular nurses. Thanks a lot guys, way to make recovery easier! It’s not that I’m not allowed to talk to her as such, she’s just ‘not involved in my care’ this time around. I am too embarrassed anyway, I think I would go to pieces if I actually had to talk to her. I wonder how long I can avoid running into her in the corridor? Argh.
Anyway, I hope everyone out there is having a good day 🙂 and I will be back later. I had other stuff to talk about but my brain feels like it’s full of cotton wool so I think I’ll leave it there!