Happy April Fool’s day! I hope none of you got caught out šŸ™‚ I love looking through the newspapers and trying to spot the fake story! I can’t believe it’s April already…

I gave up fighting the unpredictability of blogger and just took a picture of my dinner portrait-style. Take that, blogger!! Next mission: make photos look more appetising. That could be difficult, my food is always very homemade and bitty!

I made a casserole from a rather large amount of odds and ends in the fridge. One potato, half a sweet potato, a bit of pepper, onion, mushroom, carrot and courgette, the left over artichokes, some smoked tofu and vegetable stock with extra tomato puree and avocado oil. It was really good, but I am not entirely convinced that I am not about to explode! Despite vast quantities of veg I still somehow managed to find room for a chocolate macaroon for dessert. Yum.

I was thinking last night about what I am going to tell this therapist when I see her. My history is rather long and convoluted, and often when I am asked to recap in an hour long appointment I end up feeling like I’m the main character in a soap opera. If I’m concentrating on certain years – 2002 and 2007 were particularly…interesting… – maybe it’s more like a horror film than a soap opera. So, there I was in the depths of despair and then THAT happened, then so and so did this and whatsit died and thingummy left me and a meteor crashed through my roof and my head exploded, or something. It was bad enough having to live through the shit the first time around, but having to recount the shortened version to a complete stranger always makes me feel terribly unsettled – there is a vast gap between what I know has happened in my life and how much of it I am actually in touch with. Most of my life I feel very detached from, like it’s just a memory of some bizarre and disturbing film I saw when I was younger. I will just have to get on with it though.

I made a nice list (what a surprise, a list is involved!) of the things in my life that I want to change though, and I think that will make the appointment a lot easier. I hate it when new a therapist askes ‘so what do you want from treatment’, and I realise that I have been so busy freaking out about meeting them that I haven’t thought about that at all. I like to be prepared.

Here it is anyway.

Eating disorder related
– I have become desensitised to being at a low weight, need support while gaining and help accepting reaching a normal weight and size.
– The main driving force behind my eating disorder is my fear of being extremely depressed again, so I need to learn some better coping mechanisms to deal with the depression and anxiety if they become a problem again.
– I have never had any help with the atypical aspects of my eating disorder, like the emetophobia and OCD.

PTSD related
– I am scared of being normal-woman-shaped and attractive again, which contributed to my relapse last time around.
– I am agoraphobic, I feel very unsafe in new places and haven’t been able to travel or stay overnight at friends houses since I was raped.
– I thought they were going to kill me, and I was left with an obsession with death and nothingness, and a feeling that life was essentially pointless. Wow, that is a bit of a heavy thing to put in a bullet point. It looks wrong there!

OCD related
– Intrusive thoughts and obsessive list making are driving me batty.
– The OCD makes my eating disorder worse – I latch on to particular numbers which are ‘safe’ and they become calorie/weight/amount of exercise goals.

Self esteem
– I quite often find myself saying that I don’t have a problem with low self esteem because I don’t hate myself like I used to as a teenager, but recently I’ve become aware of all the poisonous little messages I tell myself. I am scared and sometimes convinced that I am, amongst other things: boring, unlikeable, weird, melodramatic, attention seeking, clingy, dependent, needy, too sensitive, selfish, bad, greedy, weak, pathetic, out of control, unable to cope…etc. This is clearly not indicative of good self esteem, so I should add deluded to the list too.

Embarrassment/shame about being ill
– This keeps me isolated because I am too scared to get to know people in case they dump me when they find out about my history.
– It also makes me a lot sicker, because the embarrassment makes me want to try to force myself to cope on my own and never ask for help.

I have no confidence in my ability to cope with anything, don’t trust myself and never feel safe.

I would like help in building a social life and support network after spending so much time ill at home.
– I feel like I’ve lost the habit of socialising and my social skills are pretty rubbish.
– My life lacks structure and routine at the moment, I need to start building that up again.
– I have no idea what I want to do once I’m better, or even what I’m capable of given my mental health history. I tend to either hide at home or try to do too much and make myself ill.

Ack, what a list. This might take some time… :/

I am meeting up with my friend Jade for coffee tomorrow. I met her in hospital two years ago, she came in after a suicide attempt. She’s almost my mum’s age, but I get on with her really well. She has an amazing sense of humour, loves Terry Pratchett (I get on with anyone who likes the Discworld books by default, heh) and just seems to *get* anything I come out with. She’ll probably pass out at the sight of me eating a proper lunch for a change, it should be fun šŸ˜›

Aaarghmystomach. I think maybe I need to try and eat smaller amounts of higher calorie foods rather than about a kilo of veg! Wish my poor abused digestive system luck, will you?


5 responses to “Changes

  1. That casserole looks delish! Thanks for putting down your ingredients, I’ll have to try that sometime. I really like how you made these lists, I think they will be very helpful, especially when talking to your therapist. Have fun getting coffee with your friend! Good luck to your digestive system too, I hope you feel better. Stay Strong and Positive, Love,Lexi

  2. Cacti Don't Cry

    “Time flies when you’re having fun” … hahahaha.I always MEAN to put things down in lists, because in my head they’re perfectly clear, but I never seem to actually DO it… which makes communicating said things rather difficult. It’s great that you have a solid list of concrete goals, though. That should be really helpful.Feel better!!

  3. dancelikenooneiswatching

    great list for you to discuss with your therapist..hope it goes well xxxx

  4. Your casserole looks really satisfying, and I’m wishing your digestive system good luck šŸ™‚ Sometimes, my taste buds’ love of veggies doesn’t quite synchronize with my stomach’s…blargh.I know what you mean about having to basically “sum up your life in 60 minutes or less” and how unsettling it can be to stir up those memories. I feel ok about it if I feel like I’m working on resolving those issues, but bringing them up just for the sake of informing someone else is really hard…you just have to remember that each time you tell your story, you get a little stronger. I also think there’s something to be said about putting things down on “paper” – when I get into the flow of things when I’m writing and later go back and read what I wrote, I sometimes surprise myself. I’m sad that you don’t think more highly of yourself – from what I can tell, you’re extremely intelligent, interesting, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. I hope that your appointment goes well :)Much love,Elle

  5. The casserole looks so yummy! I know condensing your life's history into one hour with a total stranger is so hard, but I think your list is great! I can relate to sooo many of your goals, I should just print out this post and use it as my list haha. That'd make things a lot easier =P I didn't realize how much trauma you've survived…It's no wonder you've developed an ED! If you don't mind me asking (I totally get if it's too personal) when were you raped? Did you know the people who did that to you? I'm so sorry that you went through such a horrific experience. I hope that this therapist will help you heal and recover not just from your ED but from all the damaging events in your life. ā¤

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