Sooo. My mood is still a bit rubbish, I hope you’ll forgive me for not really commenting this evening. I try and comment on other peoples blogs 5 days out of 7 – if I let/made myself do it every day I know I would just end up getting obsessive and blogging would turn into more of a chore than a tool in my recovery. My brain isn’t working this evening anyway, I think it might have gone on holiday without me.
I went to the EDU this afternoon, got weighed and was in and out of there in ten minutes. The nurse kind of assumed that because I’d gained weight again I wasn’t having any problems, and she seemed to have decided that we didn’t need the usual 45 minutes before I’d even sat down. I’m not having problems with the food side of things, but I wouldn’t have minded talking for a bit. Before I knew it I was back out the door with an appointment for two weeks time – she’s decided I only need to come every fortnight now. I’m feeling very conflicted about this. It’s bloody weird of me, to be honest. I don’t like this woman much, I’m annoyed that the EDU wouldn’t let me see any of the therapists there this time so I have to pay for one myself (even though I like Julie very much, money is becoming a worry), I’m happy that I don’t have to trek over there every single week (it’s four miles out of town and getting there involves a £10 taxi fare or a bus that makes me feel sick), and I have Julie to talk to now anyway…I don’t need the NHS help, and it’s not like they were even really giving me much in the way of support!
But despite all this, I feel…discomfited. Like the crisis is officially over, I am no longer a cause for concern, everyone thinks I can cope on my own. I have to be honest, my initial reaction was pure eating disorder – I felt really tearful, swallowed that before I realised what I was doing and started thinking I would never be able to cope with life, I’d never get better, I should just give up and quit eating entirely. I seriously think there is a four year old having a tantrum in my head, heh. I’m not actually going to DO that, obviously. For a start, the main reason that the nurse only wants to see me once a fortnight is because I’m about as open in person as an oyster. I have no problem talking about all the good things that have happened this week, but I cannot for the life of me tell anyone out loud when I feel like shit. She asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about, she asked me if I would be ok with coming in once a fortnight or if I felt I still needed more support, and I just clammed up, as usual. Why, WHY do I feel like I even have to prove to mental health professionals that I am QUITE FINE THANK YOU, I don’t need any help, I can cope. It’s their job to help people, they are not going to look down on me for feeling less than wonderful. I think it’s partly the woman I am seeing – she’s quite confrontational and challenging, and I have seen her get annoyed with people who she doesn’t think are trying hard enough to get better. I don’t want to make her angry with me, I don’t want to stop being the perfect patient. I got a kick out of proving her wrong about me when I was saying that I was determined to recover this time and she didn’t believe me. I’m my own worst enemy, aren’t I?!
What I could have said instead: I am having a really hard time this week and I could do with talking about it. I’m not letting my mood affect my eating but I am feeling really low and tearful. I am feeling very uncomfortable with the weight gain – I know it is necessary and I am not going to relapse, but it is getting harder to cope with. I know I come across as really motivated and positive, but the positivity is mostly a front – kind of fake it till you make it. I am scared. I’m scared I’m getting depressed again, I’m scared of my messed up body image that tells me that I look completely normal now, even though I’m still 20lbs under my target weight, I’m scared of how all consuming my OCD is, I’m scared of how I want to cry all the time but can’t, I’m scared that I’ll never make a functioning member of society, I don’t know what to do with myself all day at home and I don’t know how to cope on my own. I’m kind of making this all up as I go along, and I have no idea if I’m doing it right. Gaining weight doesn’t necessarily go along with gaining back mental health.
This takes practise. I had gotten to the point with my last therapist where I could actually walk into a session and tell her how I really felt that week, but it took about a year before I could do that, and I still had to bite back ‘oh, I’m fine!’, every single time. Sometimes it took me a full minute of staring at the floor trying to dig out how I did feel before I answered. With this nurse I’m on the defensive, on automatic pilot. But that’s not going to help me recover. Recovery isn’t a case of just pretending that everything is fine now. Oh…fuck. In general, to everything. At least I am seeing Julie tomorrow. I feel more comfortable with her than I do with the nurse, even though I’ve known this nurse for over a year and only seen Julie for three sessions! Goal for tomorrow: engage brain before opening mouth.
Anyway, enough of that. I had some very creative meals today. For breakfast I had rice flake porridge with some coconut flour cooked in for fibre, mashed banana and white chocolate PB (I’m not liking WCW as much as DCD I’m afraid, I think it’s because I haven’t had milk or white chocolate anything for eighteen months, so it’s too sweet for me. It’s good when hot and melted though). At 10.30 I had one of my favourite 9 bars – they are just seeds, honey and carob, completely milk, wheat and gluten free, they taste great and hemp and flax are a really good source of omega oils and protein. I was out at lunch so I had to scavenge, hehe. Lunches out when you can’t eat sandwiches can be a little tricky. I got a beetroot and cherry tomato salad from M+S, a jacket potato from a random bloke with a stall in the town square, some cashew nuts and a tangerine dairy free chocolate bar. I swear that chocolate bar tastes just like Terry’s chocolate orange, it’s really good for a vegan version of milk chocolate. I had half of it after lunch and the other half with a pear for an afternoon snack (it’s a pretty big bar, I wasn’t being all anorexic about it!). Then for dinner I had a wrap with beetroot, avocado and pea protein powder blended together, with a sliced boiled egg and some of my sprouts! My sprouts were really nice and crunchy 🙂 it surprised me how much flavour they had – the cress or alfafa you get in prepackaged sandwiches never really tastes like anything (that I can remember, anyway), eating them literally minutes after picking them makes all the difference! Good stuff. I had some dairy free chocolate mini eggs for dessert. I’m all about the chocolate today! My evening snack is yet to be decided on, but I think I’m probably all chocolated out for one day.
Three good things about today:
1. There was a sale at my favourite bead shop – you could fill a bag from a basket of semi-precious stones for £5.50. I managed to squish about 200 beads in one little bag! I shouldn’t be spending money on beads really, but I thought it was too good a bargain to miss, and I will definitely use all of them because they are my favourite type of beads.
2. Looking forward to seeing Julie tomorrow – I hope she gives me homework 😛
3. ALL my food today, but particularly my sprouts! I wonder what I will find to put them in tomorrow 🙂