Sorry for the disappearing act, our internet decided to die on us again. This is what I get for living in the middle of nowhere!
First things first, I used http://random.org/ to pick my giveaway winners 🙂 aaand it came up with 9 and 1, so that’s Stef and Kim! Stef left two comments, but she wasn’t at an advantage because I made her #9 and bumped all the comments under her first one up a number, so it was all fair. I will get to work on the jewellery tomorrow and if you guys email me your addresses you should have them in a couple of weeks 🙂
I’ve been having quite an exciting time of it while I’ve been internet-less. On Wednesday my dad had to go see his solicitor in London so when I woke up already wondering what to do with myself I impulsively decided to go with him. We caught the same train and then I went off on my own when we got there. Three guesses where I went for lunch? Wholefoods, obviously 😛 yum. Some bugger had obviously put a couscous spoon in something I put in my salad though, because I was in pain for the rest of the day. It’s weird how the different foods I’m intolerant to produce different symptoms. Well, I suppose it’s not weird really, but I always find it interesting that I can work out exactly what’s snuck it’s way into my food by what happens next! Anyway, wheat symptoms didn’t stop me from walking up to the Natural History museum and having a look around the geology, meteorology and astronomy (obviously) sections. By the time I left the museum it was almost time to catch the train back home, so I had a quick trip to Oxford street and then went back to Waterloo.
Yesterday I didn’t really do much other than pine for the internet! It’s quite scary how lost and aimless I feel when ours stops working. It was raining, which made it easier for me to force myself to have a ‘day off’ from going anywhere or doing any exercise, to recover from all the wandering around London with heavy bags. I had quite a nice evening anyway, I had a long bath and read a whole book in a couple of hours. I used to do that sort of thing all the time, but I like really hot baths and under a certain weight my body can’t cope with them anymore, I start feeling really faint and getting palpitations within minutes. Yay for being able to have baths again! Ditto the book – I am a voracious reader and always have been, but my concentration has been affected really badly by the eating disorder. Last night was the longest amount of time I’ve spent reading for eight or nine months. Apparently aNa didn’t eAt mY bRaInZ completely (sorry, bit of a running joke 😛 ).
And on that subject…the nurse from the EDU phoned me yesterday, having received my letter. She said she was really glad I’d written to her and could I come in tomorrow (today, even) instead of waiting until next week. So I did. And she somehow managed to talk me into being put back onto the waiting list for the INR (intensive non-residential – the day programme). I’m still not entirely sure how THAT happened! I am still gaining weight, albeit a bit slower now, but the eating disorder is giving me a lot of shit about it. I am ignoring it the best I can (no point arguing back, it only makes it louder) but I am aware that I am at a weight which is really triggering for me, and at which I’ve relapsed before. On top of that I am trying really hard not to go on about it to my mum because she’s still really sad about Ben and pretty stressed out with an essay for her archaeology degree, so for the last couple of weeks I’ve felt myself retreating back into my head. I can’t quite believe I caught myself before I got caught up in all the ED bullshit again actually, this is a real first. I realised what was happening while it was still at the ‘messing with my head’ stage and told someone before I started getting sucked in behaviourally again.
Kate is going to ask the team if I can come in on Mondays and Tuesdays. I don’t really want to. I don’t want to run into my old therapist there, I don’t want to hang around with other anorexics, I don’t want to eat NHS food, I don’t want to have to sit in a taxi driven by a stranger for half an hour straight after dinner when I’m feeling sick as hell…but then, the eating disorder is also trying to convince me that I don’t want/need to gain any more weight when I am still a long way off the point at which my periods return and I’m not even half way between my lowest weight and my target weight, so I can’t trust myself to know what I really do or don’t want at the moment. At the moment, I am just going to carry on eating and wait to see what Kate says when I see her next Thursday. I feel like such a cliche. One of the biggest problems the eating disorder has with the idea of going to the INR is that there is a real possibility that I will genuinely be the biggest person there; since their lower BMI limit is 14 and I’m up to 16.3 now. I don’t feel entitled to that sort of intensive help anymore. It was Kate’s idea that I come into the INR because she thinks I need the extra support, so I don’t know what kind of shit the eating disorder is trying to pull there. It cannot possibly be true that both a) a professional ED nurse thinks I am a perfectly appropriate client for the INR and brought up the idea herself and b) I don’t deserve that level of support. Doesn’t work, right? Maybe the INR didn’t work out for me before and no one can predict whether it will be of benefit this time either, but if Kate thinks I should give it a go then I should probably listen to her rather than my head.
I wish I could trust myself to know what the best thing for me is. That’s one of the things I hate the most about all this. I can’t trust myself to keep myself safe. I am pretty sure I won’t go as far as trying to kill myself again and I am similarly quite convinced that self harming is in the past too, but the most overtly self destructive acts aren’t the only things people can do to hurt themselves. Even if I didn’t go so far as to start losing weight again, getting stuck maintaining wouldn’t be a good move at the moment. I need to gain the weight back to get my period back and reverse the osteopenia. I need to gain the weight back so I don’t get complacent and think that this weight is perfectly fine for me, because the longer I stay at an unhealthy weight the more desensitised I get to it. I need to gain the weight back because this is nowhere near my set point and I’d have to start restricting to maintain it after a few weeks, and once that started I’d get sucked in and not stop until I ended up back where I was in February, or worse. I hate the eating disorder. I resent it for fucking with my head like this. I want to know what I want. Me, not it. It’s doing itself a disservice anyway, since I’ve been feeling so utterly awful for the last couple of weeks I’ve disowned it further – it’s gone from being referred to as ‘my eating disorder’ to ‘the eating disorder’. I don’t know, little things like that make me feel better, more able to separate myself from it.
This is all pretty weird for me. I have been in the position in the past – last year, for instance – where the eating disorder has been really loud and yet I have still gained weight, but I felt horribly out of control and unable to restrict at the time. This time I feel like I could stop eating if I felt so inclined…but although the eating disorder is giving me hell and I’m very aware of how much IT wants to stop eating, I’m still just about able to make out that I, personally, don’t agree with it. So there!
I just have to hang on to the idea that however uncomfortable it tries to make me, I don’t have to act on it. I just have to carry on as I have been doing, regardless.
I saw Julie 90 minutes after Kate – I’ve had a day full of therapists! I don’t really have the brain left to go into that though 😛 doh. Anyway hopefully the internet won’t die again for a few weeks so I’ll be able to update again tomorrow.
Three good things about today:
1. Dinner: wait for it – refried beans! I’d never tried them before, they were really good. I made three tacos, one with artichoke tapas and beans, one with tomato puree, beans and tofutti and the last one with beetroot, beans and tofutti. I think the artichoke one was my favourite, but the others were pretty damn good too! I still have half a can to use up tomorrow if my digestive system is in any shape for it!
2. The local health food shop is stocking my favourite dessert pots again 🙂 they are similar to the alpro soya ones only made from rice instead of soya beans. I usually melt a few squares of dark chocolate into them and it’s just like chocolate custard!
3. Julie is well worth her £30 a week 😛 my head was in a complete state before I went to see her, but I felt quite calm again by the time I left. I don’t think we even addressed the ED stuff specifically, but whatever, it worked!