Back in the land of the…typing! (and the winners of the giveaway are…)

Sorry for the disappearing act, our internet decided to die on us again. This is what I get for living in the middle of nowhere!

First things first, I used http://random.org/ to pick my giveaway winners šŸ™‚ aaand it came up with 9 and 1, so that’s Stef and Kim! Stef left two comments, but she wasn’t at an advantage because I made her #9 and bumped all the comments under her first one up a number, so it was all fair. I will get to work on the jewellery tomorrow and if you guys email me your addresses you should have them in a couple of weeks šŸ™‚

I’ve been having quite an exciting time of it while I’ve been internet-less. On Wednesday my dad had to go see his solicitor in London so when I woke up already wondering what to do with myself I impulsively decided to go with him. We caught the same train and then I went off on my own when we got there. Three guesses where I went for lunch? Wholefoods, obviously šŸ˜› yum. Some bugger had obviously put a couscous spoon in something I put in my salad though, because I was in pain for the rest of the day. It’s weird how the different foods I’m intolerant to produce different symptoms. Well, I suppose it’s not weird really, but I always find it interesting that I can work out exactly what’s snuck it’s way into my food by what happens next! Anyway, wheat symptoms didn’t stop me from walking up to the Natural History museum and having a look around the geology, meteorology and astronomy (obviously) sections. By the time I left the museum it was almost time to catch the train back home, so I had a quick trip to Oxford street and then went back to Waterloo.

Yesterday I didn’t really do much other than pine for the internet! It’s quite scary how lost and aimless I feel when ours stops working. It was raining, which made it easier for me to force myself to have a ‘day off’ from going anywhere or doing any exercise, to recover from all the wandering around London with heavy bags. I had quite a nice evening anyway, I had a long bath and read a whole book in a couple of hours. I used to do that sort of thing all the time, but I like really hot baths and under a certain weight my body can’t cope with them anymore, I start feeling really faint and getting palpitations within minutes. Yay for being able to have baths again! Ditto the book – I am a voracious reader and always have been, but my concentration has been affected really badly by the eating disorder. Last night was the longest amount of time I’ve spent reading for eight or nine months. Apparently aNa didn’t eAt mY bRaInZ completely (sorry, bit of a running joke šŸ˜› ).

And on that subject…the nurse from the EDU phoned me yesterday, having received my letter. She said she was really glad I’d written to her and could I come in tomorrow (today, even) instead of waiting until next week. So I did. And she somehow managed to talk me into being put back onto the waiting list for the INR (intensive non-residential – the day programme). I’m still not entirely sure how THAT happened! I am still gaining weight, albeit a bit slower now, but the eating disorder is giving me a lot of shit about it. I am ignoring it the best I can (no point arguing back, it only makes it louder) but I am aware that I am at a weight which is really triggering for me, and at which I’ve relapsed before. On top of that I am trying really hard not to go on about it to my mum because she’s still really sad about Ben and pretty stressed out with an essay for her archaeology degree, so for the last couple of weeks I’ve felt myself retreating back into my head. I can’t quite believe I caught myself before I got caught up in all the ED bullshit again actually, this is a real first. I realised what was happening while it was still at the ‘messing with my head’ stage and told someone before I started getting sucked in behaviourally again.

Kate is going to ask the team if I can come in on Mondays and Tuesdays. I don’t really want to. I don’t want to run into my old therapist there, I don’t want to hang around with other anorexics, I don’t want to eat NHS food, I don’t want to have to sit in a taxi driven by a stranger for half an hour straight after dinner when I’m feeling sick as hell…but then, the eating disorder is also trying to convince me that I don’t want/need to gain any more weight when I am still a long way off the point at which my periods return and I’m not even half way between my lowest weight and my target weight, so I can’t trust myself to know what I really do or don’t want at the moment. At the moment, I am just going to carry on eating and wait to see what Kate says when I see her next Thursday. I feel like such a cliche. One of the biggest problems the eating disorder has with the idea of going to the INR is that there is a real possibility that I will genuinely be the biggest person there; since their lower BMI limit is 14 and I’m up to 16.3 now. I don’t feel entitled to that sort of intensive help anymore. It was Kate’s idea that I come into the INR because she thinks I need the extra support, so I don’t know what kind of shit the eating disorder is trying to pull there. It cannot possibly be true that both a) a professional ED nurse thinks I am a perfectly appropriate client for the INR and brought up the idea herself and b) I don’t deserve that level of support. Doesn’t work, right? Maybe the INR didn’t work out for me before and no one can predict whether it will be of benefit this time either, but if Kate thinks I should give it a go then I should probably listen to her rather than my head.

I wish I could trust myself to know what the best thing for me is. That’s one of the things I hate the most about all this. I can’t trust myself to keep myself safe. I am pretty sure I won’t go as far as trying to kill myself again and I am similarly quite convinced that self harming is in the past too, but the most overtly self destructive acts aren’t the only things people can do to hurt themselves. Even if I didn’t go so far as to start losing weight again, getting stuck maintaining wouldn’t be a good move at the moment. I need to gain the weight back to get my period back and reverse the osteopenia. I need to gain the weight back so I don’t get complacent and think that this weight is perfectly fine for me, because the longer I stay at an unhealthy weight the more desensitised I get to it. I need to gain the weight back because this is nowhere near my set point and I’d have to start restricting to maintain it after a few weeks, and once that started I’d get sucked in and not stop until I ended up back where I was in February, or worse. I hate the eating disorder. I resent it for fucking with my head like this. I want to know what I want. Me, not it. It’s doing itself a disservice anyway, since I’ve been feeling so utterly awful for the last couple of weeks I’ve disowned it further – it’s gone from being referred to as ‘my eating disorder’ to ‘the eating disorder’. I don’t know, little things like that make me feel better, more able to separate myself from it.

This is all pretty weird for me. I have been in the position in the past – last year, for instance – where the eating disorder has been really loud and yet I have still gained weight, but I felt horribly out of control and unable to restrict at the time. This time I feel like I could stop eating if I felt so inclined…but although the eating disorder is giving me hell and I’m very aware of how much IT wants to stop eating, I’m still just about able to make out that I, personally, don’t agree with it. So there!

I just have to hang on to the idea that however uncomfortable it tries to make me, I don’t have to act on it. I just have to carry on as I have been doing, regardless.

I saw Julie 90 minutes after Kate – I’ve had a day full of therapists! I don’t really have the brain left to go into that though šŸ˜› doh. Anyway hopefully the internet won’t die again for a few weeks so I’ll be able to update again tomorrow.

Three good things about today:
1. Dinner: wait for it – refried beans! I’d never tried them before, they were really good. I made three tacos, one with artichoke tapas and beans, one with tomato puree, beans and tofutti and the last one with beetroot, beans and tofutti. I think the artichoke one was my favourite, but the others were pretty damn good too! I still have half a can to use up tomorrow if my digestive system is in any shape for it!
2. The local health food shop is stocking my favourite dessert pots again šŸ™‚ they are similar to the alpro soya ones only made from rice instead of soya beans. I usually melt a few squares of dark chocolate into them and it’s just like chocolate custard!
3. Julie is well worth her Ā£30 a week šŸ˜› my head was in a complete state before I went to see her, but I felt quite calm again by the time I left. I don’t think we even addressed the ED stuff specifically, but whatever, it worked!

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9 responses to “Back in the land of the…typing! (and the winners of the giveaway are…)

  1. Wait… I won?? Really?? I think if the nurse suggested the programme, you should go for it for now. You trusted yourself to reach out to her, and I’m sure her suggestion is a little scary (and we’re all good at rationalizing that we don’t need “THAT kind of help”)… If you can’t fully trust yourself, just go with the nurse’s suggestion. You have someone on your side, right? šŸ™‚

  2. I burst out laughing at the “AnA” joke… I GET IT. Lol. Good times. (well not really :P)Anyway…first off, welcome back to internetsville. SO jealous of wholefoods trip!but, onto treatment stuff. Katie- I don’t understand your resistance to the day program. It’s 2 days a week out of 7. each day is what, 5-6 hours? That’s 12 hours in a week. It might NOT help. It might be triggering, pointless, annoying, irritating, waste of time, anxiety provoking, stomach hurting/nausea inducing. But it might now. You are going there in a VERY different place than you were last time. It will (hopefully, lol) be different patients. Don’t write it off because you think you can do this yourself- I know it feels awesome to make progress on your own and you are doing GREAT but it’s also a sign of strength to recognise when you might need a bit extra help. And it’s okay. If it isn’t helping, you don’t need to keep going. It’s not like being sectioned for 6 months- you’ve commited yourself to recovery and part of that is having a willingless to step out of your comfort zone and take on someone’s advice sometimes even if you don’t necessarily agree or think it’s the best idea… You reached out to your nurse and she is responding in a a rather impressive way given the NHS- go for it. It’s not a life-long commitment to anything except being more open about trying things that might actually further your recovery. You don’t HAVE to do this by yourself xxx

  3. I love refried beans! I must try those rice dessert pots. I love the Alpro Soya ones but would like to try the rice ones as a change. They sound delicious with melted chocolate in!I wish you the best of luck with your recovery. You must do whatever you think is best for you but I am sure you can get back to a healthy weight and maintain it. Being aware of your eating disorder is definitely a beneficial step though so you can monitor your behaviour.I too am far from a healthy weight and am not having periods. I find gaining weight hard (physically and mentally) but try to keep reminding myself that I want optimum health and that must involve weight gain. If you ever want to chat at length about this kinda stuff, just send me an email anytime!

  4. boo :)so I was thinking about this daypatient thing. I really hope you can dare to try it at least and see if it helps. tbh I am in awe at what you’ve managed on your own…but seriously now, you have/had a lot of weight to gain, a lot of other work to do besides the physical stuff…I can’t help but think it’s almost martyrdom to not get any intensive help at all! yeah it might suck. but tbh it will suck ANYWAY because ‘the ED’ (I like that btw) will HATE it. not only will it be facing up to the food and the weight gain, but it’ll be in a way which you have even less control over. it’ll be hard. but maybe the kind of harsh exposure therapy which will help you to move further forward?btw eerily know what you mean about feeling very much ‘able’ to stop the weight gain process. I think that’s in a way a sign that you’re ‘choosing’ it though, rather than just saying fuck it, gain for now, lose later etc. it’s harder each day to make that choice, but it’s good in the long run :)I fixed my comments btw šŸ™‚ just needed to change the background. it was me being silly not your computer!xx

  5. Hey gorgeous, I think its always a bit tricky without the net, because its nice to know that you CAN be connected to the outside world even if you don’t want/need to be :).Bummer I didn’t win the comp!!! Lol, I’ll just have to organise ways for your new jewellery line to come to Aus so I can buy/collect some :D.I am SOOOOO glad you sent that letter and that it had such a good response. I know how hard that is. I am SOOOOO glad that they’ve taken you seriously and I really do think you should do the program if you can. I know that its hard but 16.3 is still really low sweetheart. Here that is in the minimum range for a day program! I know it feels impossibly high compared to 14 but seriously, its still super low and you CAN keep gaining and like you said, its a risky area for you. I’m proud of you for trying really hard to listen to people who have the skills and training to really help you.I’m just proud of you hun, through and through. Keep fighting cause you’re one tough cookie!!! (wheatless, yeastless, oatless, pea protein less cookie of course :P, just teasing cause goodness, I get the intolerances issues big time!)Love you hun!

  6. I think maybe you should look back at the pros and cons list of doing the program that you had made a while ago, and maybe just revisit some of the pros. If this nurse wants you to do this program, I think its a good idea to consider. Just keep and open mind šŸ™‚ LoveLexi

  7. I love reading books when it’s raining! And I’m glad you enjoyed your tacos. Yum for beans! I hope your internet doesn’t die on you again.

  8. scorpiochick

    Hi Katie! First of all, thank you so much for finding your Aussie rellie here…..I feel so much better knowing that I have someone here….”looking out for me” lol! I have to say, that I admire your honesty and courage in writing the way that you do. I haven’t had the time to read all your posts, but what I have read has moved me to tears and also to laughter~ You have a way with words that is admirable!!!!! I look forward to reading more and learning more about you, and I hope to find some inspiration in what I write so that people don’t fall asleep reading mine! And btw, those tacos sounded YUMMO! Refried beans are sooo good…but I will have to see if I can find artichoke tapas! Sounds interesting and yummy!Take Care, Rach

  9. Ah, I’d die without internet! YAY I won?? Really?? That is so exciting! Lol sorry I had no idea I commented twice on that post…oops! Apologies for screwing up the whole contest system!! I’ll send you my addy, can’t wait to see your handiwork šŸ™‚ What a tough situation about the day program, I hope you can find a good compromise to ensure ED doesn’t grab hold of you again! I’ll be sure to check out your friend’s blog. A friend of yours is a friend of mine!

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