I am proud of myself: today the only foods I have weighed were rice flakes and coconut flour for my porridge this morning and corn pasta to go in a tofu-pasta bake this evening. Other than those dry foods, everything else was just guessed. I got a bit freaked out at dinner, I – or rather, the anorexia – really wanted to weigh my cake, of all things, to make sure the bit I’d cut off wasn’t too big, but I resisted. It’s a piece of cake, for goodness sake. Dairy/gluten free cake doesn’t even tend to be very calorific in the first place, so it’s hardly likely to make me gain 10lbs overnight if I accidentally cut off a few grams more than usual. And I can’t imagine getting to my death bed in (hopefully) 50+ years time and saying ‘damn, if only I’d eaten less cake on July 18th 2009’. Ooh, look at me, being all rational about food 😛
All day I kept reminding myself that I was able to do this a few years ago. I had a period of about a year which was freakishly (for me!) non-eating disordered (probably because I was drinking too much alcohol instead of starving myself, but still). I only weighed myself once in a blue moon, didn’t count calories, ran three or four times a week and maintained a good weight for my age and height. I was still with my ex at the time and we ate out a lot, and on the days when I did estimate how many calories I’d eaten the number could come out anywhere between 2000-3500. I maintained my weight the whole time without making any effort to control or restrict my eating, which just boggles my mind completely! It shows how far in remission I was from the eating disorder at the time that I can’t even remember how long this lasted. I was still restricting and bingeing when I was at uni in Cardiff during spring 05, but got a grip on it when I came back home, so from sometime during mid 2005 until early 2007 when I was admitted to hospital (for depression, not anorexia), my weight and behaviour around food was pretty normal and healthy, as far as I remember. Then it was ruined because the side effects of my meds in hospital made me lose an awful lot of weight very quickly and triggered the eating disorder off again.
So. I can do it. My body can maintain a healthy weight without me having to constantly be guarding myself from attack by (gluten free :P) biscuits. I just have to learn to trust myself again. Oh dear, that sentence makes it sound so easy! Still, the only way I am going to gain confidence is by taking risks, and I still think this is the best time to do it. If I waited until I got to my target weight to stop weighing/counting I’d be scared of gaining more weight and I’d probably end up eating too little and losing weight. But at the moment I could cope with my weight jumping up a bit because I still have 10lbs to go, so I’ll be less likely to overestimate the amount I’m eating through anxiety.
So far this whole posts smacks of me trying to calm myself down 😛 But it’s fine. I’m fine. I can cope with this.
Earlier I discovered that the local health food shop is trying to poison me. Ooh, the melodrama! No, what I really discovered was that the chickpea flour I usually buy is actually composed of both ground chickpeas and yellow split peas. Split peas are quite closely related to lentils, which I am very intolerant to. I had a horrible reaction to pea protein earlier this year, so I’m not best pleased that my mortal enemy has been hiding out in one of my favourite flours. You’d think you wouldn’t need to check the ingredients of something labelled ‘chickpea flour’ would you? It’s like buying a bag of oats and finding that actually it’s half oats and half rice. Humph. That’ll teach me to get complacent, anyway.
While I was looking for a new brand of chickpea flour, I also bought: gluten free chocolate muffins, gluten free pizza bases, Branston baked beans (Heinz have vinegar in the sauce, Branston are much more IBS-friendly!), tomato puree, sweet potatoes, vanilla rice milk (all from Tesco), rice dessert pots and coconut oil (from the murderous health food shop). When I got home I made a tofu-pasta bake and boiled my globe artichoke. I confess, I don’t understand the hype around artichokes. I love my artichoke tapas, but plain ones are a bit boring, very fiddly and rather wasteful – you throw away 90% of the poor thing! Maybe I’m just doing it wrong. Anyone want to educate me on the art of artichokes? Oh, and spaghetti squash – I baked half of mine at lunch (to have with beans) but it was a bit bitter and tasteless. For goodness sake, I’ve been vegetarian for 15 years, why can I still not cook vegetables properly?! I did at least have a really good salad with my lunch, but that was just shredded carrot and fennel with some avocado oil and lime juice. Even I couldn’t have got that wrong 😛
I’m sure I had more to say but I can’t remember what for the life of me. Hmm. Oh well!
Three good things about today:
1. My good friend and ridiculously talented artist/illustrator Katie Green launched her first blog today – Katie Green Bean . This counts as a good thing because Katie is both generally fabulous AND the person responsible for introducing me to poi! I love her cute vegetable prints (I have my eye on the beetroot!) in particular but she’s also published a vegan cake book and is currently creating a graphic novel about her experiences with anorexia and abuse. She rocks – but don’t just take my word for it, go and have a look yourself 🙂
2. Not weighing my food made me feel like a total rebel. I felt like grinning all day. Nothing puts me in a good mood like kicking the anorexia where it hurts and dealing with it just fine when it tries to kick back.
3. Fiona has been on holiday for the last week but she’s back online now, so I can talk rubbish at her on MSN and we can plan our road trip – nine days to go!