(I have an announcement at the end of this post, so don’t go away 😉 )
I’m all about photos this week – and in the spirit all of the revisiting the past I’ve been doing, there’s a bit of pyromania thrown in for good measure too 😛
I finished typing out my journal from 2001 this morning. I’ve been burning the paper copies as I go along, and it occured to me that this might be fun to share!
There are the pages all scrunched up in the fire place, ready for ignition 😛 this photo came out a bit wobbly, I had chocolate porridge for breakfast and was having a bit of a blood sugar low at the time – hence morning snack hanging out on my laptop! Ready salted crisps = love. The orange notebook on the laptop is the next journal, the one that I kept from late 2001-summer 2002. And if you have super keen eyes you might be able to see that I was having an MSN conversation with Fiona at the time, hehe. By the way, I am always on MSN so if anyone wants to add me it’s firstname.lastname@example.org
The next one is pretty! The fabric of the journal cover was covered in tiny dots of orange, I don’t know if you can see it properly in the photo but I was quite entranced.
Aw, Rufus! He was all curled up asleep and I wouldn’t resist taking a photo. I woke him up though, oops.
And this would be lunch – doesn’t look very appetising but it was nice 😉 and this is only about 3/4 of it, I started eating before I thought to take a photo! I had brown rice, haricot beans, a can of tomatoes, olive oil, onions, mushrooms, turmeric, cumin, coriander, cinnamon and s+p, with the last piece of my vegan chocolate cinder toffee for dessert. Actually I gave the very last bit to my sister, she’s allergic to milk too so I like to share 🙂
That journal was the earliest one I had – and reading it objectively for the first time the difference between my writing before I was put on antidepressants and after was so clear. Before I was clearly unwell, but nothing your average made-for-TV-movie couldn’t cope with 😛 then once I was on them I became steadily more and more unstable until I had a complete breakdown. Ah, the cat seems to be throwing up. I may have to talk about this tomorrow!
Three good things about today:
1. A bit of pyromania never goes amiss 😛
2. I am still rather taken with the novelty of the fact that if I don’t feel well on a day when I usually go to the gym, I don’t have to go. Wow! I have been having really bad palpitations for the last three days – I think it might be hormonal, my period should be appearing any day now (it’ll probably wait for my birthday next week. Epic fail, hormones) – but it’s still a bit disturbing. Anyway, just to be safe I am not gymming it until I feel better. I feel like a proper rebel 😀 I actually really enjoy going to the gym – but I also enjoy giving the anorexia a kick!
3. I booked some train tickets for London for my birthday! I am going to hang out with Fiona and hopefully meet Jemima – she couldn’t come to the vegan festival last week after all and I have nothing to do on my birthday, so it sounded like a plan 😉
I finally decided last night: people have been telling me since I was 15 that I should write a book about all this and now I’m three quarters of the way through getting all my various writing together onto one USB stick it suddenly seems so much more doable. I am a great believer in the idea that sometimes things don’t happen until you are ready. I’ve been making half hearted attempts at starting for years but now it really seems possible, so until further notice I am going to be working on this in the mornings and my OU course in the afternoons. I randomly announced this to my mum yesterday evening, and she said she was fine with it as long as it wasn’t ‘one of those bloody miserable books’ 😛 haha, I have to agree with her there, I am not a fan of misery memoirs. But if I only do one thing with my life I would like to leave behind proof that people can come through the other side of all sorts of seemingly unbearable situations and rebuild their lives. So many times I have had to take a deep breath, regroup and start picking up the pieces – sometimes I’ve not even known if it was going to be possible to sort myself out, if maybe this time I had just gone too far and I’d never be stable or happy again. If I could only go back and talk to myself at crisis points, tell myself that eventually I would be OK…but given that time travel isn’t yet possible (not even for physics students 😛 ), I will settle for trying to help other people to find hope 🙂
Yo, you over there, stop pretending to throw up. I don’t get all sappy very often, leave me alone!