Burn baby burn

(I have an announcement at the end of this post, so don’t go away πŸ˜‰ )

I’m all about photos this week – and in the spirit all of the revisiting the past I’ve been doing, there’s a bit of pyromania thrown in for good measure too πŸ˜›

I finished typing out my journal from 2001 this morning. I’ve been burning the paper copies as I go along, and it occured to me that this might be fun to share!

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There are the pages all scrunched up in the fire place, ready for ignition πŸ˜› this photo came out a bit wobbly, I had chocolate porridge for breakfast and was having a bit of a blood sugar low at the time – hence morning snack hanging out on my laptop! Ready salted crisps = love. The orange notebook on the laptop is the next journal, the one that I kept from late 2001-summer 2002. And if you have super keen eyes you might be able to see that I was having an MSN conversation with Fiona at the time, hehe. By the way, I am always on MSN so if anyone wants to add me it’sΒ giantfossilizedarmadillo@gmail.com

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The next one is pretty! The fabric of the journal cover was covered in tiny dots of orange, I don’t know if you can see it properly in the photo but I was quite entranced.

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Bye journal!

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Aw, Rufus! He was all curled up asleep and I wouldn’t resist taking a photo. I woke him up though, oops.

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And this would be lunch – doesn’t look very appetising but it was nice πŸ˜‰ and this is only about 3/4 of it, I started eating before I thought to take a photo! I had brown rice, haricot beans, a can of tomatoes, olive oil, onions, mushrooms, turmeric, cumin, coriander, cinnamon and s+p, with the last piece of my vegan chocolate cinder toffee for dessert. Actually I gave the very last bit to my sister, she’s allergic to milk too so I like to share πŸ™‚

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That journal was the earliest one I had – and reading it objectively for the first time the difference between my writing before I was put on antidepressants and after was so clear. Before I was clearly unwell, but nothing your average made-for-TV-movie couldn’t cope with πŸ˜›Β then once I was on them I became steadily more and more unstable until I had a complete breakdown. Ah, the cat seems to be throwing up. I may have to talk about this tomorrow!

Three good things about today:
1. A bit of pyromania never goes amiss πŸ˜›
2. I am still rather taken with the novelty of the fact that if I don’t feel well on a day when I usually go to the gym, I don’t have to go. Wow! I have been having really bad palpitations for the last three days – I think it might be hormonal, my period should be appearing any day now (it’ll probably wait for my birthday next week. Epic fail, hormones) – but it’s still a bit disturbing. Anyway, just to be safe I am not gymming it until I feel better. I feel like a proper rebel πŸ˜€ I actually really enjoy going to the gym – but I also enjoy giving the anorexia a kick!
3. I booked some train tickets for London for my birthday! I am going to hang out with Fiona and hopefully meet Jemima – she couldn’t come to the vegan festival last week after all and I have nothing to do on my birthday, so it sounded like a plan πŸ˜‰

I finally decided last night: people have been telling me since I was 15 that I should write a book about all this and now I’m three quarters of the way through getting all my various writing together onto one USB stick it suddenly seems so much more doable. I am a great believer in the idea that sometimes things don’t happen until you are ready. I’ve been making half hearted attempts at starting for years but now it really seems possible, so until further notice I am going to be working on this in the mornings and my OU course in the afternoons. I randomly announced this to my mum yesterday evening, and she said she was fine with it as long as it wasn’t ‘one of those bloody miserable books’ πŸ˜› haha, I have to agree with her there, I am not a fan of misery memoirs. But if I only do one thing with my life I would like to leave behind proof that people can come through the other side of all sorts of seemingly unbearable situations and rebuild their lives. So many times I have had to take a deep breath, regroup and start picking up the pieces – sometimes I’ve not even known if it was going to be possible to sort myself out, if maybe this time I had just gone too far and I’d never be stable or happy again. If I could only go back and talk to myself at crisis points, tell myself that eventually I would be OK…but given that time travel isn’t yet possible (not even for physics students πŸ˜› ), I will settle for trying to helpΒ other people to find hope πŸ™‚

Yo, you over there, stop pretending to throw up. I don’t get all sappy very often, leave me alone!

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10 responses to “Burn baby burn

  1. From one pyromaniac to another, that looks like it was awesomely therapeutic!! πŸ˜‰

    As for the book — my mom tells me all the time that I should write one, but I don’t want to. Well, I do want to write a book, just not about this! But I’ll be sure to read yours. πŸ™‚

    ❀ ❀

  2. Ok so I skipped right to the announcement and then had to go back and read the rest πŸ˜‰

    I am so SO happy and proud of your decision and I will be first in line to buy it when it is published, which I’m confident it will be. (I am also feeling delighted to have a compadre on the writing-about-it journey, and slightly jealous (not in a nasty way) that you have more time on your hands to attend to it). I think your story will help and inspire so many people, and I know you will write it well.

    Also, 10 points for pyromania!!

    And finally, I am sharing in your birthday excitement, if a little bit frightened by the age I’m going to turn…

    xxxxx

  3. I think we both know exactly how much I appreciated those photos πŸ˜‰ Although I probably shouldn’t add pyromania to my steadily building list lol. Actually my favourite band is a German group called Rammstein, whose live shows include a hell of a lot of fire and explosions…flamethrowers and everything. I’ve seen them in conert twice and the heat coming from the stage was amazingly intense.

    Minus the onion, that looks like my kind of lunch. Nom!

    I’m so pleased that you feel you’re in a place where you can begin writing your book. You’ve got another ready-made reader right here πŸ™‚

    ❀

    xoxox

  4. "andysangel" etc

    Hope I get a mention πŸ™‚

  5. fire is strangely entrancing. i love it when its so hot and fiery, that my eyes feel warm.

    the book idea sounds fabby. it would make such a good read but also educate people in a non-formal way about what living with mental health issues is like from a personal perspective. but also help people to understand how illnesses can interlink, overlap and be provoked by incidents in someone’s life culminating.

    that’s a great gym attitude. i need to adopt it pronto!

    you’re coming down to london? gosh, the south is my neck of the woods πŸ˜‰
    L. x

  6. laurasworthlesswords

    I do love burning things πŸ™‚ , I could just stare into the flames for hours on end. Its great your getting through your journals, I love the idea of your book. It really would be a fantastic read I think and would really help to motivate others, you can definately put me down for a copy πŸ™‚

  7. Hiya!

    I often read your blog, but rarely comment, sorry!

    Wanted to wish you lots of luck with the book, I agree with L in that it’s a great idea!
    Also wanted to wish you a very happy birthday !

    I work in a place in camden (London) called inspiral lounge that has the most amazing vegan cakes, and ice cream!

    I’ll give you a free slice if you pop by, just ask for “cotlin” (I work friday 17:00 till late saturday 19:00 till late and Sunday 11-4pm) .

    Have a brilliant time!
    πŸ™‚

  8. Oh I’d be one of the first to buy your book! Aww Roofus is so adorable! πŸ™‚

  9. Very cool Katie! I look forward to reading it when its done – and well…. if you need a proof reader, feel free to send it my way πŸ˜€

  10. hahaaa oh my gosh that’s so exciting to see our convo in your pic πŸ˜›
    I have no doubt that your book won’t be ‘one of those misery novels’…it’s gonna be far better and more useful than that πŸ˜€
    x

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