Thank you for the comments on my tantrum post yesterday. To be honest I’m not really feeling any better. Yesterday evening was really rough. I am relatively good at distracting myself during the day – I can study, read, go for a drive or to the gym, write emails and comment on blogs and however bad I feel, I can usually keep myself busy enough that it’s tolerable. But in the evenings my concentration really goes to pieces and I can’t focus enough to get my physics out or whatever, so I end up sitting in my room, staring blankly at the TV, crying and trying to stop thinking about sharp things. Good times. I seem to lose all perspective in the evenings too, I sit there trying to remember why cutting myself is a bad idea, wondering why I decided to recover from the anorexia when I know that starving myself makes me numb and stops this happening, feeling like everything is hopeless and I am never going to feel any differently. I can hang on to the reasoning and motivation during the day, even if I am really sad or anxious I can usually keep my head, but it’s like everything gets foggy after 7pm and I just can’t think straight.
Back in January 2008 I had kidney stones. It was excruciatingly painful, so much so that I actually threw up from the pain and barely noticed – a minor miracle when I am usually Miss Emetophobe UK. I didn’t care how pathetic or annoying it was that I couldn’t stop crying for four hours, I didn’t care that various cute doctors were seeing me in such a state (actually I only noticed that one of the doctors was hot after the pain disappeared!), and if someone had told me at the time that eating a live tarantula would make the pain stop, I think I would have done it. It’s a melodramatic comparison but it scares me when I get really intensely anxious and/or depressed, because I lose myself. I dissociate through force of habit, I can’t hang on to what I need to remember to stay safe and I get to the point where I would do anything to make it all go away.
That’s why my ED and self harm started and that’s why they were so hard to leave behind. This is the longest period I’ve had since I was 12 that I’ve not been using any self destructive coping mechanisms. Literally the only thing that’s keeping me from picking up where I left off with the self harm is the fact that I’ve resisted for two years and I think if I give in now I’ll never be able to stop. Ditto the anorexia, actually. The longer I get stuck in a cycle of partial recovery and relapse, the harder it gets to break out of it. I get to lower lows physically and emotionally each time, and although I am skeptical about it actually killing me (typical anorexic!) I am terrified of the idea of living with it for the rest of my life. If I relapsed now and got back down to or past my lowest weight I don’t know if I’d have the strength to pull myself out of it and face recovery again. I think I would probably give up on full recovery and settle for trying not to die. So it’s not going to happen. I have to work out how to keep myself going whatever shit my brain throws at me…but at the moment I have no idea how. I did give in and email Julie earlier though, maybe she’ll have some ideas as to what the hell I can do.
Anyway, enough depressing stuff for a bit, I have an accumulation of photos to post 🙂
I found decorate-your-own dairy/gluten free gingerbread men in the supermarket the other day and couldn’t resist them 🙂 I am so mature. I love the fact that the chocolate beans are so out of proportion to the biscuit, it makes him look like he’s wearing sunglasses! Pink ones, in fact. Maybe he’s the Elton John of gingerbread men.
I planted some round carrots at the end of May and finally dug them up yesterday. I forgot to thin the seedlings out so they were terribly overcrowded and some were only the size of peas, but I think they’re cute anyway 😉
This is what I did with about half of my carrots – I made carrot, potato and cashew butter mash and some veggie burgers out of chickpeas, red onion, rice bran and chinese five spice (thank you sooo much Fi!). I also made chocolate-avocado cupcakes with a very squishy avocado I had in the fridge and a bar of dark chocolate which was part of a birthday present from Jessica.
I keep changing the recipe but this time I used 100g sugar (Billingtons is both vegan and unrefined 🙂 ), 100g vegan chocolate, 75g avocado, 75g self raising gluten free flour, 1tsp vanilla essence and as much water as it takes to make it into the right consistency (about 50-100ml), then bake it at 150C for 20-25minutes. They turned out really well this time so maybe I’ll stick with this recipe from now on…more or less 😛 maybe I’ll add a tiny bit of cocoa powder next time.
Back in March I posted some of my art work and I realised earlier that I didn’t include this (as I walked past where it is hanging upstairs, it didn’t just randomly pop into my brain!). I drew it from a photo while I was in hospital in 2007 and gave it to mum for her birthday. It’s A3 and looks very nice in its frame 🙂 Rufus is liver spotted but he works out OK in pencil! I was pretty pleased with it until one of my younger sisters gave mum a holiday to ROME for the same birthday…sigh.
Oh actually I just found the photo it was drawn from –
Aw. I love my spotty dogs.