A letter

Dear C,

There have been times when I believed that I could not go on, and that the world would be a better place without me. It was not down to personal strength that I survived them. Sometimes it was because other people stepped in and kept me safe enough that I couldn’t go through with my plans. Sometimes it was just fear. I was terrified of dying but equally terrified of continuing to live as I was, and so I remained in a tormented state of limbo, unable to commit to either life or death. I know you felt similarly conflicted. You didn’t want to hurt the people who loved you and I know that ideally, you wanted to be happy and healthy. But you lost hope that you would ever get there, and your pain overwhelmed everything that had been keeping you going.

I would defend you against anyone who said that suicide is selfish. They obviously don’t understand what it’s like to feel as if just existing is so exhausting and agonising that you cannot imagine surviving another minute, yet alone another fifty years. I understand as much as another survivor of suicide attempts can, although I don’t know exactly what was going through your mind on that night in January. No one does. I wish I had been online when you had posted your last message on facebook. I wish I had sent you an email the week before when I noticed you on my news feed and realised that I hadn’t spoken to you properly for a couple of months. I was distracted and I forgot, and now I can’t ever speak to you again.

You would be 30 years old today, and I don’t know if you ever realised just how deeply you touched the people who met you. Would you have believed that, eleven months after your death, there would be a girl sitting in her bedroom on the other side of the world, writing a letter to you and trying not to electrocute herself by crying on her laptop?! You might have thought that the world would be better off without you but I know that your loss diminished it, because I am still here and you are not.  I am the selfish one, because I wish that you had survived, even though I know how desperate you must have been.

I remember you and celebrate your life today. I am so grateful that I met you however much it hurt to lose you.

All my love,



One response to “A letter

  1. Anna Mitchell

    our little bee would have Loved it!
    I too wish if only, but We shall celebrate that we knew her, and she was Amazing!


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