This is turning into a really up and down few days. I only got back from Dorset on Thursday, got a job on Friday, found out that one of my photos had been published on the Guardian website on Saturday, and today I got a letter back from the hospital where I had my DXA scan done. My bones are still screwed. I don’t know HOW screwed because they didn’t give me detailed results, but I am going to hound my GP for them tomorrow. I’m a bit disappointed – I will have had my period back for two years in July – but I know it can take a while before things improve, and I know people in far worse states than I have recovered bone density, so I’m not freaking out just yet.
Life in general is up and down and all over the place at the moment. I was enjoying things being calm and stable for a while this spring, after being so depressed and anxious during the winter. All that calm seems to have dissipated now. I don’t really mind – I have one fairly major problem which is causing a lot of anxiety (sorry to be vague, I’m sure all will be revealed when I know WTF is going on), but other than that all of the disruptions are good. I am simultaneously excited and terrified about my new job. I keep freaking out and thinking “what if I can’t do it?”, but then I remind myself that I will get a load of training when I start, and that it would be more helpful to wonder “what if I can?”. I know, that is disgustingly positive of me, but I picked up the habit of subverting my anxious thoughts when I was going through weight restoration, and it’s become a sort of habit 😛
More work with the ED charity is coming up too, after a break over Easter. I am about to start a project with the lady recently hired to develop the charity, and she’s also hoping to start a carer’s group later this year that I’ll be involved in the setting up of. The AGM is in two months, and I’ve been asked to speak at it. Because I’ll be speaking after a doctor from the local EDU I am going to have to think of a new angle to my usual talk. Usually it’s all about education – the facts, the myth busting, and what it really feels like to have and recover from an eating disorder. But the group of professionals and voluntary sector workers who attend the AGM will know the facts. I am pretty excited about seeing how creative I can be with this – I have free rein, 25 minutes all to myself. Eee 🙂
I’ve been getting out more recently too. I joined a local choir a month ago, which will be news to my boyfriend if he reads this – I didn’t want to tell him at first because I thought he would laugh 😛 but I used to sing a lot, with choirs and solo – I did grade exams and concerts in cathedrals and trips to perform in Eurodisney and the rest. I feel a bit rusty given that I quit my choir ten years ago, but I used to be fairly good so I’m sure my voice will recover with time. I didn’t realise how much I missed it, and the other people are lovely. The choir finished at 9pm last Thursday and I didn’t get home until 11.30pm because I was sat in a pub with some other girls, chatting. I think I could get a bit of a social life out of this!
It’s all go, basically. Good things are happening, stressful things are or are about to happen, but I feel like I’m just on the right side of being okay with that. I’m not saying that I’m ecstatically happy and bouncing off of the walls in excitement, or that my anxiety is totally under control, or that I enjoy it every time my life undergoes a radical alteration – but I don’t fight change anymore. If it needs to happen, it needs to happen, however much it freaks me out. I want a job. I want to sort out the things that are worrying me at the moment. I want a social life. I have done enough hiding and avoiding to last me a lifetime.