If I ever make this post public, here is the back story. For the last few months I have been increasingly tormented by questioning my sexuality. Pretty much the world and their donkey know that I’m bi, but I have started thinking that it’s more than that. In typical Katie style I actually made a list of evidence for and against my potentially being gay a couple of days ago. The only two male crushes I’ve ever had were on close friends who were also bisexual, I am a blank towards male film stars and singers, I never fantasise about men, I always felt uncomfortable with casual boyfriends as a teenager and NEVER let them get physically close to me (I would freeze and run away, literally). I can’t imagine wanting to sleep with any man other than the two men I have had relationships with. Conversely, I am attracted to women I don’t know, including the famous ones (coughGillianAndersoncough). When I slept with a girl after my 18th birthday party I certainly didn’t freeze. I was, in fact, very close to coming out as gay when I was 18 – and then I was raped. The woman who raped me was one of the only people who knew at the time that I was beginning to accept that I wasn’t straight, and I think I made an association between exploring my sexuality and being raped.

If it was as simple as thinking I might be gay there wouldn’t be much of a problem. Yes, some members of my family would almost certainly have a problem with it, and I might lose a few friends – but I’ve gone through that in terms of misunderstandings of/discrimination over mental illness before, and I know I would be okay. I would make new friends and new relationships, and my family would come round with time. It would all be for the best in the long term. But it’s not that simple, because I am currently in a straight relationship. I am terrified of hurting Jonathan and making his depression worse. I still love him, but more as a best friend than a partner, and I hate covering this all up. I feel like I’m lying to him every time I tell him I love him, and I feel like I’m cheating on him when I arrange to meet some of the girls from the choir at a gay women’s social group. I actually did lie to him yesterday, when he asked me straight out if I was thinking of breaking up with him. I wanted to make him feel better so I said no instinctively, making this whole situation twice as bad in the process.

It’s a lose-lose situation. If I break up with Jonathan I will hurt him, and I will miss my best friend horribly if he decides he can’t cope with being friends afterwards. I will be devastated if he gets more unwell or hurts himself. But if I stay with him I’m being selfish too, because my unhappiness and confusion is becoming too hard to keep to myself. I’m also being selfish because a big part of the reason I don’t want to break up with him is to avoid all of that guilt and anxiety I will feel when I do. Either way I’m a shitty person and either way we will both get hurt.

I was walking around town earlier and this came onto my iPod. I was brought up listening to Queen and I always loved this one. The lyrics seemed so apt today that I nearly started crying in the middle of freaking Tesco. I need to sort this out.

Too much love will kill you

I’m just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I’m far away from home
And I’ve been facing this alone
For much too long
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I’ve been looking back to find
Where I went wrong

Too much love will kill you
If you can’t make up your min
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You’re headed for disaster
‘cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

I’m just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there’s no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can’t you see that it’s impossible to choose
No there’s no making sense of it
Every way I go I’m bound to lose

Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It’ll drain the power that’s in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You’re the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time

Too much love will kill you
It’ll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won’t understand why
You’d give your life, you’d sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end

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