I have been in a mood all day. Scrap that – all weekend. There were good parts, but then there were the bad parts…

It started on Friday, when I woke up to the period pain of doom (TMI, sorry!) and a text from my boyfriend telling me he had been throwing up all night and wasn’t going to come to the AGM to decrease my pre-talk wibbling. The talk went really well and I got a lot of lovely comments from people as well as invitations for further talks, but I had a bit of an anti-climax problem afterwards. You know when you’ve been looking forward to/dreading something, then it’s over and it was great/not as bad as you thought but you feel all flat? I had no one to share my adrenaline or my adrenaline crash with because all of the friends I’d invited were either ill or busy, so I went home alone, moped about a bit, then Jonathan came over (having decided he wasn’t all that ill after all) and cheered me up.

Saturday started well, but suffered from the same problem. Jonathan and I went into town for Pride, but the weather was rubbish and Jonathan was tired, so he caught the train home and I went to join the march. I started off with a couple of other members of my choir, but lost them amongst the throngs of umbrellas. Once we got to the park, our fifteen minutes on stage were fun – but again, then it was over and I was on my own. If I had been alone and single this would not have been a problem (ahem), but alone and attached was not so great. Alone, attached, and on day two of the cramps from hell was even worse. I need to make more friends.

So I decided to walk to my favourite restaurant for some dairy free cake, and got soaked. AND they didn’t have any of my favourite cake. AND the crampage got worse half way through my panini, so I had to choke the rest down and get home pronto, where I felt sick and pissed off for the remainder of the evening.

Today I got up half an hour later than I usually would for work, so had to rush. I got to work and various distressing/frustrating things occurred which I won’t go into detail of just in case my blog is ever discovered by someone I work with (unlikely but theoretically possible), but I think the highlight was comforting a 98 year old lady who was crying because she missed her mother. I almost started crying too. I just couldn’t seem to get started today – I did eventually get a nice game going in the afternoon, but for the most part I felt like I couldn’t have organised my way out of a paper bag. My job is great in theory, but it’s stressful mentally and I get so upset about the residents when they are sad or confused. Dementia is a bitch of a condition. I suppose I am going to have to develop the ability not to take clients’ problems home if I am going to be a counsellor, but it still sucks. I never want to get old. Grey hairs and wrinkles I can live with, but losing my mobility and my memory and my loved ones is not a nice prospect. Although I am only 26, so I should probably quit worrying about this for the next fifty years.

So I’m lonely and sad and grumpy, the self harm urges are back with aย vengeance, I want to go to bed and stay there all week, I feel sick and shivery and just to be helpful, my heart is all arrhythmic again after behaving for a few weeks. I will be fine – I was starting to feel like I was adapting to my new routine last week, my mood and anxiety levels were much better – but I just wanted to whinge. I wish I had someone here to give me a hug, really.

I will stop being such an Eeyore now.


11 responses to “Grumble

  1. I know this is pretty lame compared to the real thing, but *HUGS* and know that I am thinking of you.

    Actually that hug was pretty good for me too, so thanks for the excuse to dispense hugs ;-).

    Hope things feel better in the coming week,

    x x x

  2. I am so sorry that you have had a crap weekend. I know that my period makes things seem at least 20 times worse than they normally do and cramps are, in my opinion, pretty much the most horrible feeling there is. I am sending you a huge hug and a hot water bottle and fluffy socks. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to cope with the emotional side affects of caring for those with dementia. I guess it is important to remember that the work that you are doing is making them happier than they otherwise would have been – you are making a difference. Hope you sleep well and feel better tomorrow xxx

  3. I’m sorry you’ve had such a crappy weekend!! This might just be one of those weird occasions where it makes sense to say “thank heaven it’s Monday,” huh?…

    Hope the week goes better for you!!

    โค โค

  4. Sorry to hear that your weekend was so difficult Katie ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

    However, I want to say “well done” with your talk and the singing performance ๐Ÿ™‚

    I do hope you are feeling better this morning. I also hope you have a better week ahead.

    Take care xx

  5. I’m really sorry to hear that. I know it’s not real, but please feel hugged by me. It will get better again.


    • Sorry to bother you, but could you please send me a password. I’m puzzled and afraid I will only be able to read your post, if I am a member of wordpress.


      • Hi Judith,

        I’m emailng you the password, but I thought I would reply for general clarification – I am password protecting posts which have photographs of me in them, to protect my anonymity for when I start my counselling degree and placement. I will give out the password to pretty much anyone who asks, and you don’t need to be a member of wordpress ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. And the award for world’s crappiest ‘friend’ goes to….
    Seriously, I am so sorry once again. I get so caught up in my own little world of depression and self destruction that I’m a useless lump to people that have given me so much and try their best to help me, such as you and my Mum.
    I think you are amazing for holding it together all alone for that talk (and I think your mask was brilliant artisitically of course) and from my limited conference experience I know how tough that ‘coming down’ feeling is, let alone with the period cramps of doom arriving on top of that. Add in getting soaked in the rain and its like a terribly sad movie…I feel so horrible for not being there for you when you always are for me.
    When I read your response defending me and explaining the rationale behind disordered behaviours I had to shut off the computer because I had such a lump in my throat. I honestly just sat and stared at the wall for about 15 minutes because I couldn’t believe anyone could be so loyal and kind.
    You struggle with far greater issues than any of the people in your life that continually seem to let you down and yet you always manage to pull it together for everyone else. I swear to God as soon as I can walk properly to the station again I’m bloody well making it in to Newcastle regardless of my stupid, self-centred depression and anxiety, if you did want to see me at all.

    I won’t let you down again, not that I’m much help anyway, but it’s just….unbelievable how lovely you are.

    Really hope things have improved since this post.


    • Shush woman, you are not a crappy friend at all and I love you to bits ๐Ÿ™‚ of course I want to see you again when you feel up to it – let me know when you’re ready, I can easily come to C-L-S or Durham if Newcastle is a bit much. You didn’t let me down anyway, your injuries and other various health problems are more than enough to excuse you from coming to the AGM! I wasn’t angry at anyone for not coming, you all had legitimate excuses.

  7. Oh Hun, I’ve been having a few days like that recently, so I know how it feels. Matt feels so far away and London especially large and scary sometimes. But the feeling passes, usually a good long walk or some other kind of exercise helps. Or calling people and talking it out. Or just generally keeping busy. I hope you feel better soon. Im late in saying this but congrats on getting on your course, I’m really pleased for you ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m pretty sure you’ll be awesome at it!

    Keep smiling ๐Ÿ™‚


  8. It sucks to have crappy weekends, menstrual cramps from hell, and no one to talk to. Just try to remember that none of these things will remain forever. It’s one of those awful feelings in the moment but diminishes eventually. Hang in there!

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