Random rant

I’m sitting on my sofa, laptop on my knee, “new post” page open, just…staring at the blank screen.

I don’t know what to write. It’s like the pathway between my brain and my fingers is in a state of gridlock.

My house is cold and I can’t afford to put the heating on, because it’s only September. The back-end of a hurricane is whipping the north of Britain and the winds kept me awake last night. My house has the worst case of damp I’ve ever seen in my life (and I’ve seen someΒ shit holes) and it’s reaching intolerable levels. I can’t afford to live by myself any more but I don’t have anyone to move in with, and I am paralysed by indecision over whether to write to my landlord this week or next month about terminating my contract. I have to single-handedly organise Christmas for 40 residents with an average age of about 88 and I have no idea where to start – or rather, I have some idea, and it involves using the phone a lot, and I’m scared of using the phone. I seem to have very few relationships or friendships which don’t hurt me in some way, sometimes far beyond the point at which I should draw the line. I am 400 miles from my elderly grandmother, and it’s only now that I realise she could die at any time and I might never see her again, and I can’t make up for that by being extra nice to my old people at work, and I was her favourite grandchild and I miss being four and watching her burn sausages for my dinner. I am 400 miles from my dalmatians. My workplace doesn’t grant leave at Christmas, so I’ll be away from my family for the first time ever and I just can’t conceive of that. I am terrified of flying and am quite convinced that either my blood pressure or terrorists will stop me from making it to Washington in December. I have epic PMS. It’s coming up to that time of year again with the flashbacks and the nightmares and the paranoia. I fucking hate the current UK government. I hate the lies the tabloids spin. I hate that so many of my friends are suffering. I’m burnt out on giving advice and support and just want someone to hug me. I’m frustrated that I can barely save myself, let alone the rest of the world. I am frustrated that I spend most of my spare time online because it’s the least self destructive method I know of stopping myself from thinking or feeling too much. I hate that I’ve put SO much fucking work into sorting my mental health out and I still feel like I’m going to break at the next harsh word.

I don’t know what I’m doing here, so far away from everything I ever found comfortable or comforting or safe. Geographically, physically, mentally and behaviourally. I am 27 next week and I feel like I’m about 12, and I’ve been playing house and it was all a great novelty, but now I want to go home and cuddle my dogs. I don’t know if I can do this being a grown up thing. It’s scary and overwhelming and just about the only thing in my life that I’m happy about is my counselling degree. I’m terrified I’m going to fuck that up too, since that’s what I do best. I feel tiny and impotent and lost.

And I’m fucking crying. I didn’t even notice until I stopped typing. Stupid PMS. At least when my hormones aren’t adding to my problems I can just about hang on in regards to coping with the rest of that pile of shit.



18 responses to “Random rant

  1. Sometimes you gotta get it out!
    Sounds like you needed a good hormone infused cry.

  2. Now isn’t the time for “but you’re doing SO amazing”, even though that’s what I feel whenever I think of you.

    Now is the time for trying the best I can to help you feel loved and supported. I’d like to listen to you rant, let you cry as much as you need to and give you a hug. Please let me know if there’s anything that I can do for you via the medium of the interwebs.

    Take good care of yourself and know that stupid PMS will be over soon…

    Hope you sleep better tonight (the howling wind kept me awake too),

    *bear hugs*

    x x x

  3. O dear Katie – and I can’t even promise that it will get better with age. My PMS did get better in my 30s but heading towards the menopause it is just as bad as it ever was and I get it every 3 weeks! Soon it will be over thank the Lord and my mother says being 70 was lovely so there are things to look forward to.
    The tail end of this hurricane, plus, at least for me, the tail end of the 9/11 remembrance, has been hard so rant away and hang on in there. Hopefully the wind will have died down and it will be warmer tomorrow if nothing else.

  4. Good for you for using writing as an outlet, it does sounds like you had plenty of reason to vent. Just remember that in the midst of al lof that you are very loved and valued. I hope things get better, thinking of you. *hugs*

  5. I want to give you a hug. For now, you will have to accept that it’s a hug of thoughts rather than actions. It’s okay to need a hug, to need someone to be there for you. I know you support so many people, but noone can do everything that you do, all the time, and feel good about it all the time. You have come so far Katie. And I know things are hard and I can completely understand things like the house situation really messing with your mood, having been there (my slug infestation was in the kitchen). Hang in there sweet. It’s difficult right now, but despite the difficulty, you are still doing it, still living, still getting on with things. And if you need a rant and a cry, that is perfectly okay. So much love to you. ❀

  6. I want to give you a hug from across the ocean 😦

    Really bad PMS sucks. Horribly. I know cause I’ve been going through it for the past few days. And come to think of it, shitty weather only makes it worse. It colours everything going on in your life and makes it seem worse than it is. I guess the only thing that helps me is that it will pass. The feelings will pass. The problems will pass. The emotions will pass. How you feel right now is utter shit, but it won’t feel this way forever (even though it always feels like it will be forever.)

    I think it’s really important to have posts like this. We are all human and you are dealing with a really high stress job — especially one that comes at a huge emotional toll. I know a few months ago you talked about quitting or taking some time off. . . are you still thinking about doing this?? I mean it is difficult to work with old people who are sick and sometimes not entirely mentally “there.” In fact its heart breaking and gut wrenching — I couldn’t do it as a long-term volunteer because it reminded me of feeling lonely and I just felt so sad for them — I left each day feeling like I really had done nothing for them. . . It is a HARD job and it is seriously speaks of your amazing strength that you are STILL there and helping them out.

    The advocacy work, the helping friends — that is great. But it doesn’t mean you are perfect or that you don’t deserve help. Sometimes you need time to crumple and treat yourself gently

    ❀ Hugs


  7. Rants are needed sometimes, as are epic crying sessions in the shower. Sometimes we just need to fall apart, and to have people let us fall apart (and then maybe pick up our snotty tissues for us πŸ˜‰ ). I just want to say that all your hard work HAS been worth it, and HAS gotten you somewhere.
    I haven’t replied to your FB message yet, but I could never juggle working the job you do and a course, especially not something like counselling which (from what I gather) takes up so much emotional energy.
    Also, there’s nothing ‘un-grown-up’ about wanting to be near family or wanting to cuddle your dogs. I often think there’s this emphasis on having to move away from family in order to grow up, but look at other cultures! Generation upon generation live with each other or near each other. I used to feel like I had to move away to the other end of the country (and I did), but now that I’m back in the nest so to speak, I’m wondering if I really want to move miles and miles away? If you do want to move back in time, then there’s nothing wrong with that.
    The wind’s all unruly here, too, but I hope you manage to get a better sleep tonight. I always find curling up to childhood films comforting when feeling really shitty.
    sending you good things

  8. ahh hun, i hate to hear you feeling blue… but its better out than in, right?!
    Yesterday it all got too much for me and i had a BIG OLD CRY…. and y’know what, i felt SO much better afterwards. sometimes frustration gets the better of us, it doesnt mean the world will end.
    think of all that youve achieved, you have come so far πŸ™‚
    heres a HUG, virtual maybe… but better than nothing.
    Take care you x

  9. Sending you a big virtual hug, Katie… I am so sorry you’re feeling this down 😦

    I can actually identify with (as well as empathise with) much of what you write. It takes me back to being in my 20s (Um, like, 20 years ago…), when I was living a long way from home in a student house I hated and with students, who although nice people were absolutely the opposite to me behaviourally (i.e. they were noisy, they went out clubbing, would have friends round at 2 am etc.). And, the house was VERY damp. But I didn’t have PMS – because I’d never had a period due to anorexia. I now get rampant PMS and it sucks.

    I am thinking practically here, but is it not a responsibility of landlords to ensure a certain degree of health and safety within their residences – and by that I mean fixing the damp?

    Would it help if you were to take a week off work and visit your parents (and dalmations!). Perhaps your parents would even pay your train fare with the knowledge that you’re hard up?

    I am sending you another virtual hug xxx

  10. I really hope you’re feeling better this morning and perhaps a night of reflection, if not sleep, might have made things seem less overwhelming.

    In any case, I don’t know if you’ll like what I’m about to suggest but please don’t think I’m trying to tell you how you’re feeling: I’m just putting things down from my perspective, which is often bollocks anyway, so I understand if you want to completely ignore any or all of it.

    I know how PMS can sometimes cloud judgement and make everything appear bleak, and from a selfish perspective I would have you living up here or within visiting vicinity for decades to come. However, I was just looking through one of your FB albums (for something I’m working on for your birthday, not because I’m a stalker!) and came across two pics of you with your dalmatians. Comparing them to photos of you now…it worried me a bit (okay a lot) about your health. Not from the perspective of ‘OMG! You’re so much thinner!’ but simply because you seem so happy, radiant and full of life in the first images, where as now, though obviously you look lovely, you appear very tired, strained and pale. And no wonder, given all that you’ve taken on and have to deal with.

    It’s NOT simply a case of ‘being an adult’. In typical Katie fashion you’ve become the ‘ultimate’ adult, living alone, working a strenuous job (I don’t care how many hours it is, it’s worth a 70 hour week or something in terms of emotional energy), supporting everyone around you and generally doing more than 90% of ‘functioning’ adults do, including those with no mental health problems or history of PTSD. I think you sometimes confuse being an ‘adult’ with ‘manning up’ and dealing with pain, mental and physical. But it’s not ‘okay’ to be forcing yourself to live in those conditions, particularly when your health is delicate anyway. You need to stop being so bloody selfless for a change, to put it bluntly.

    I love you to pieces and wish I could be a roomie (not that you’d necessarily want me to!) but I can’t leave my Mum in the state she’s in (my Dad can’t cope with her for three days, let alone forever) and I can’t bear the thought of you stuck in a damp, dingy place all winter.

    I think Cathy’s suggestion of a trip home is a good one, but thinking longer term, you mustn’t ever regard a change of plan as giving up or failing. It’s okay to miss home, it’s fine to want to be with your Dalmatians. ‘Everybody’ doesn’t function the same way, and you probably have the least support of anyone I’ve ever come across. Please don’t be blinkered to how much you’ve taken on: it would be difficult for anyone to deal with.

    I just want happiness for you, no matter whether that’s in Newcastle or Dorset.

    *huge hugs and message me any time if it would help in the slightest*


    • Ooh Jess, if those were the photos taken last Christmas of me and the dogs, a) I was all bloaty from a nice combination of PMS AND dodgy Christmas food, b) I was drunk (or at least getting there πŸ˜› ) and c) it was taken from such a bad angle! I’m not one for body dysmorphic reactions to pictures but I genuinely look a bit chubby in that photo. I am the exact same weight in that photo as I am now, I’m just a bit more sleep deprived and stressed out now πŸ˜‰

      I’ll give you the rest of your points though, I certainly am lacking in support and my most carefully honed skill IS “taking on far too much at once”. Heh. I would never move back to Dorset though, I’d go crazy within a month, I love it up here – it’s just the lack of support and the being alone when dealing with evil hormones which gets to me really.

      • Doh! Trust me to say the wrong thing…I certainly don’t think you look ‘chubby’ though!

        *another squeezy hug*


  11. Huge hugs! I can relate to a lot of that.. I’m almost 27, still a lot more reliant on my parents to live away from them than I’d like to be which makes me feel so young.. I can’t live with others though, I’m just too weird and intolerable of others I thinkn… I also HATE using the phone, I particularly don’t like answering the phone, I can usually cope with making a phone call as I feel more in control of how it is going to pan out lol xxx

  12. I want to add myself to the list of people sending virtual hugs! There are so many aspects of growing up that no-one ever really explains, and I think almost everyone feels like a little kid sometimes. Even so, you’ve been through a lot more than most 27 year olds, and you’ve gotten through it and come out stronger. I think that’s something to be proud of, and I think you’ll do brilliantly at your counselling degree too (tbh, I doubt there’s much more they can teach you!). I really, really hope that things look better soon. *hugs*

  13. I know it sucks to cry but honestly? Its better then not being able to cry. I always remind myself of that. I had years when I couldn’t cry and that always hurt worse. I almost am happy now that I can cry and let things out. I hope that doesn’t sound to weird! PMS is normal and its normal to cry when you get like that!!!

    About the plan, you are not alone but you have faced SO MANY other fears you can face this one. YOU CAN. I KNOW YOU CAN. Have you thought about taking a cheap mini flight in your country to some random place like an hour away as practice? That really might help and show you that you can DO IT before a longer flight. Sometimes you can find SUPER cheap flights and you can just go round trip. Maybe you can find someone to go with you as well? If you could afford it, I think i’d be a good idea. Even just going and hanging out at the airport so you get use to it, I know it sounds weird but getting use to the environment will make it easier when you finally have to fly to the states. I’ve gotten on planes after REALLY bad panic attacks on planes. Sometimes the flights are bad and sometimes good. I willl tell you that I flew to england once and had an awful time getting there, the flight was horrible for me I was on the verge of panic the whole time…BUT when I got there i had two of the BEST weeks of my fucking LIFE! Other times, ive flown and just after the take off I relax and its no big deal because I know that I will get wherever im going.

    Jess is right. You HAVE become the “ultimate” adult. You live alone, work, support yourself. Honestly? most ‘adults’ I know live with other people and rely/lean on them heavily. You are doing it all by yourself. That’s amazing! Your pretty much my hero ❀

    The point is that you are facing these things no matter how you 'feel'. You are doing it and you are living your life. Life sucks sometimes and we feel bad but who the fuck cares. Just think about how far you've come in the past year, two years, three, etc. Did you ever even think you'd be where you are now? I want to get to where your at. I know that might sound weird because you just wrote a post saying you were crying and terrified of flying but you are living your life not constrained by your anxiety or ED. That is something I WANT so bad and I think maybe your forgetting how awful it IS to be constrained by those things? Maybe not. Maybe im just ranting lol!


  14. I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed… sucks how that has to come part and parcel with “life,” doesn’t it?! I just went through what I called a midlife crisis, though I’m told 27 is hardly midlife, so I kind of hear where you’re coming from… I do hope you’re feeling at least a little better now, though!

    And I thought you were coming here in November??

    ❀ ❀

  15. *gives Katie the biggest possible virtual hug*

    Ranting doesn’t mean that you’re not being an adult, it means you needed a rant! I can identify with the epic PMT. I agree with everyone else, you’ve taken on so much it’s no wonder it gets on top of you sometimes. No-one should have to live in damp, it’s not good for anyone! Your landlord needs to sort that out. Do you have an email address for him? It’s funny, I was thinking about you earlier after your FB post and thinking how brave and inspiring you are, and you know what? After this rant that you think means you’re not an adult, I have even more respect for you. You’re just amazing. You could have internalised this and had an even worse time a few weeks/months later but even the fact that ytou typed everything out shows how amazing you are. I’m so sorry you feel overwhelmed and I really hope you feel a bit better after this?
    You won’t **** up your degree, you’re going to be brilliant! *hugggs*

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