…I just want to say “fuck it” and lose myself in the creation of an intricate plan for losing weight. Sometimes I want to cut myself more than anything else in the world. Sometimes I have to force myself to sit at my desk all evening because if I move I will just go to the cornershop and buy something alcoholic, which I will then drink by myself. Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I’m doing training to be a counsellor when I still get these urges, and occasionally act on them (the drinking one anyway). Sometimes I resent having plans which require me to remain healthy because I want to restrict, and it was so much easier to self destruct when I had nothing meaningful in my life.
I’m nothing if not honest.
Even so, having only been in recovery for the last two and a half years, it would be odd if I didn’t sometimes freak the hell out and want to go back to what I know. It’s not an indication that recovery doesn’t exist (some of my good friends are living proof that this is not true) or that I personally am incapable of recovering. It’s just that I can’t expect to go from chronically ill to totally fine in less than three years, no matter how much I like to believe that I should be the recovery version of superwoman. And anyway, the presence of such thoughts doesn’t matter as much as their frequency, intensity and what I do about them. My life is not a day to day struggle with an eating disordered head and a healthy body. My head is free of all that bollocks 95% of the time, and during the other 5% I just grumble and distract myself by refreshing Facebook and twitter until the thoughts give up and leave me alone. I don’t buy into them. I don’t act on them.
Funnily enough, I think the counselling course is triggering some of this, as much as I love it. It’s like…I feel that I’m not allowed to struggle any more because that would be proof I’m not ready to do this course and I would be irresponsible to continue training. I’m also partly tempted to sabotage my chances at completing this course to avoid the potential disappointment of something out of my control forcing me to quit, just as happened in York (the “jump before I’m pushed” instinct – totally irrational given that so far there is no indication that anything will stop me finishing college). Telling myself that I can’t have certain types of thoughts and urges is like telling myself not to think of a polar bear. Of course trying to force something out of my mind like that is going to cement it front and centre. But I’m just at the start of a two year course, and it is not a requirement for trainee counsellors to be totally mentally healthy. We are expected to be able to handle our various issues and not become unfit to practice/study, but that is very different from being completely sane and sorted. I don’t have to become a perfect human being just yet 😉