I should be writing an essay for college, which means instead I have sorted through my wardrobe, colour coordinated my t-shirt and underwear drawers, made pineapple upside down cake, commented on blogs, discussed my procrastination on Facebook, decided to update my blog and so far, only written 270 words towards the essay itself. Oops. Why can I regularly write blog posts in excess of 2000 words in an hour or so, and yet assessed pieces of similar length take me a good week? I know I have to back everything up with evidence for college but that shouldn’t take as long as it does because I know what I want to say and where to find supporting studies. If there was a degree in procrastination I’d have a Masters by now! Anyway, the best thing I can do right now is write this post so my blog stops poking me in the back of my brain demanding to be updated, then get back to the essay.
ED awareness week went quite well, despite the tonsillitis. I didn’t lose my voice, it just really hurt to talk (or swallow, or eat, or…) for a bit, so that was a plus. I kept feeling temporarily a bit better under the influence of large quantities of penicillin and paracetamol, so going out to do something useful, then realising half way to Sainsburys or wherever that I had overestimated the degree of recovery I had reached and needed to go home before I fell over! I survived York by anaesthetising myself as much as possible, and although I was a bit hyper (exhaustion, anxiety and high temperature!) I think the talk went quite well. I certainly had some good feedback from it, and have been invited back next year. It’s becoming something of an annual event, which I am very glad of. Of all the things I could do during EDA week, speaking at York means the most to me, because it was the “scene of the crime”, so to speak. I always feel so weird going back there with a healthy body and a much less fucked up head. Walking along certain paths on the campus gives me the feeling of walking over my own grave – a shiver up my spine which is, despite the cold, unrelated to the temperature in York during February. But if anything that cognitive dissonance makes me more determined to go back every year and prove that I am still here and thriving; that as hard as recovery is, eating disorders do not have to be life sentences.
After getting back from York at 11pm Wednesday night, on Thursday morning I totally overstretched myself by walking a couple of miles out of the city at 8am to give another talk at a high school in Fenham. I was worried that I was going to pass out on the way back because my temperature shot up, my legs started shaking, my heart wouldn’t beat in time and my body pretty much just decided that it was going to stop working properly unless I gave it more time to recover from the bacteria of doom. I still went to college because I had to hand an assignment in, but after that I went back home and got back in bed to read for the rest of the afternoon. Good plan. So that explains my silence online for the rest of EDA week and over the weekend – I was too knackered to think straight! Luckily over the weekend the penicillin finally won the battle of the microbes and I am feeling almost completely better, except for still being a bit tired. And now some of the drama of the first six weeks of 2012 is dying down, my anxiety is finally decreasing a bit too. I’m hoping that it won’t be too long before I’m back to where I was this time last year, when I hadn’t just had a minor breakdown, left my job due to ill health and come out to everyone and their dog as being in a gay relationship 😛 erm…
My eyes won’t focus properly. I think this means that despite not having written anything towards the essay today, they do not want to look at my laptop anymore. Probably should’ve spent the hour I just used to blog on essay writing, but there you go. I feel like my head is a battered old car which keeps stalling at the moment, but I didn’t want to disappear off the face of the blogosphere for too long!
Wish me luck with the essay. Previous essays have been “of doom”, but this one isn’t too challenging academically – just boring to construct, particularly with a post-infection brain – so I feel that this should just be the essay of mild peril. Hmm.