Hello there 🙂
I think December might have been the first month since I started this blog nearly four years ago that I didn’t post anything. And no 2012 round up, no resolutions! Shock horror and stuff like that. I didn’t really feel much like blogging during any of 2012. 2011 was different – I wanted to blog, just like I wanted to talk to someone (anyone!) about what was going on, but every time I tried it seemed to huge and threatening and I didn’t know where to start. In 2012 I mostly just didn’t think much about blogging. It’s certainly not the case that I had nothing to talk about, because 2012 was just as full of
challenges obstacles experiences huge bloody problems that made me want to rip my hair out in frustration as any other blogging year has been, but I suppose since I have been with Audrey I’ve mostly just talked to her about things. She’s really good at supporting me while not enabling me – like when my thunderstorm phobia got really out of hand in July, although she was there for me she certainly didn’t let up on pushing me to leave the house. Audrey was the best thing about 2012. Virtually everything I did that I enjoyed, I did with her. We went on a surprising number of trips for two people without much money, probably because we’re not really going out drinking/shopping people. We went to IVFDF, Perth and the Highlands, Glasgow (repeatedly – Audrey has family there), Dorset (twice), London, a little festival in county Durham and Kielder, all on the cheap. Yay for Megabus and friends’ sofa beds!
I also finished my first year at college and started seeing clients at my two placements last year. Assuming I get past February 7th, this will be the longest I’ve ever managed to stick with any university degree without becoming too unwell to continue and having to drop out. Fifth time lucky, obviously. I still wonder which utter maniac is responsible for me counselling other people sometimes, but having finished about a third of the hours necessary to pass my course I feel much more comfortable in that role now. It really messed with my head to begin with, having spent ten years on and off as a client.
The weirdest thing about 2012 was that aside from the thunderstorms, which don’t really count, there were no crises. My health is still, to steal a phrase from my gran, fair to middling; my financial situation is shite but not dire; I live in a slightly cramped and damp but otherwise comfortable house in a nice neighbourhood; I am fiiiiiiiiiiinally happy with my sexuality and being in a relationship that reflects that; and there were no big family problems this year. To be honest, I didn’t know what on earth to do with myself. I know it’s weird, having a crisis about there being no crises, but my life has been so bloody dramatic for the last ten years that I honestly didn’t know how to cope with stability. It gave me time to start thinking about and working on things that had always been stuck at the back of my mind: the intrusive thoughts associated with my PTSD, my irritating habit of becoming incredibly defensive if someone tries to give me advice, my terror of letting over people see any signs of weakness or inability to cope, my fears about never finishing a degree and feelings of being an undeserving imposter on my current course. My sense of self and identity once the denial and secrets over sexuality were out of the way. My ideas and values about healthy and unhealthy relationships, and how I can live up to them. Recovery from anorexia seemed so simple and clear cut when I started – I certainly don’t mean easy, because I had a pretty good idea what I was letting myself in for – but simple, yes. All I needed to do was eat, go to therapy, and I thought I should probably deal with the PTSD when I was healthier. Simple. I didn’t fully realise that four years later I’d still be dealing with the consequences of having my emotional and social development effectively frozen from the time I first became unwell at around 11. It’s been good though, having the time and energy to start catching up with my chronological age.
Since I seem to have segued into the clichéd 2012 recap, I had just as well say that my goals for 2013 include finishing my second year of college and starting the final year at university, keeping my still-relatively-new job (which is the main reason I didn’t post during December – I was acclimatising to working again!), continuing to keep my weight up/use sharp objects for their intended purposes and if I manage all of that, everything else should work out just fine.
Given my relative lack of blogging last year, I was really surprised to find out that The World of Mentalists gave me their Best Eating Disorder blog award for 2012. And when I say surprised, I don’t mean “oh please do tell me how much I deserve this while protecting my illusion of modesty!”, I mean I had no clue I was even nominated, and felt instantly guilty because I haven’t helped out with TWIM for months and didn’t nominate anyone for the other categories. I’m delighted to have won because I was a runner up in that category last year, and it’s lovely to know that people enjoy/appreciate the blog, but guilt was definitely the first reaction! So another goal for this year is not to get obsessive about updating constantly and commenting on every blog I can find, but to post a bit more regularly and contributing to other projects where I can.
There was something else I wanted to say…oh, yes. Ha. Well, it’s January 3rd, so I might be a little bit late here, but I still have four 2013 calendars made from my 2012 photographs – if anyone wants one, I would appreciate the postage and packaging costs (grand total of about £3 I think!), but otherwise you can have them for free, because I like giving things away and I really slacked on making/giving my friends presents this year (again, the new job! I was in such a rush the few days before Christmas, trying to sort everything out in time…). You’re all my friends, right? 😛 Anyway, send me a message or leave a comment here if you want one, first come first serve.
This is the front page/January photo:
Happy newish year 🙂